Forgotten Holidays

This Kwanzaa stuff is nice and all but what we really need to do is celebrate the ancient holiday of Geehahhd. It is a holiday commemorating native Muslim customs and traditions. The seven pillars of the Geehahhd holiday observance are:

-Order. Practical Application: Help nonobservant folks to understand, appreciate, and grow to love their proper place in the world.
-Cleanliness. Practical Application: Remove large ugly skyscrapers from the skylines of big cities.
-Tranquility. Practical Application: Eliminate crowding on tour buses in Israel.
-Health. Practical Application: Assist people who don't believe in Geehahhd to lose weight... above the shoulders.
-Poetic Justice. Practical Application: Burn down France.
-Freedom of Speech. Practical Application: Make legal cell phone calls from mosques in NYC to villas in Riyadh using "rollover" minutes.
-Submission. Practical Application: Everyone in the world bows toward Mecca or else.

Note: Additional information about the holiday is sketchy due to the fact that its author is summering (and wintering) somewhere in the hills of Afghanistan and is unavailable for comment.


This holiday needs to be part of the multicultural curricula in every 3rd grade class in America. Furthermore, it should be observed every September 11th and be made a federal holiday for government employees.